Blondes Have A Way With Breaking Hearts

Tom Brady, pictured here cradling Jonathan Papelbon

It's Columbus Day and I'm working... which is kind of how it should be, let's be honest. As much as I would love the extra day to recover from heartbreaks and hangovers, its days like this you man up and drag your ass across state lines to your shitty cube away from home. We all know Columbus Day is a bogus holiday. Double C is what we in the corporate world call "management" even though Amerigo Vespucci (and I) do all the work, some one else ends up with the credit. Though I have no sympathy for Vespucci either, because last I checked I'm not paying my taxes to the United States of Vin-merica. Of course, I'm not paying my taxes at all but that's neither here nor there.

What really gets my goat (take your pick on inserting a Tom Brady or Jon Papelbon joke here) are the people that get all huffy about the hypocrisy of Columbus Day. On what is most people's day off, my bullshit detector is working overtime.

"Oh, Columbus didn't ACTUALLY discover America!" No shit? I saw that episode of Where in Time Is Carmen San Diego too, hot shot. You're knowledge of third grade history and ability to name drop some other piece of Euro-trash explorer that didn't sail the ocean blue in 1942 is about as impressive as a Papelbon post-game performance. And yes, you are getting a whole off-season worth of these pot-shots.

"Oh, but the Indians were here first!" First of all, you political incorrect fuck-wit, they're Native Americans. Don't be an asshole. For my money if you don't have mud and leaves covering your twig and berries, you ain't a civilization and so point goes to whitey on this one. Columbus is like the kid who got C's in your elementary school class that everyone is proud of when he rises to manager of the local McDonald's franchise. Cut the kid a break. Yeah, he's a glorified burger flipper. Yeah, there were technically already people here and technically some other guy "discovered" it first, but give the kid a break. Why don't you go push a midget, or steal a kid's ice cream while you're at it? Dick.

"Oh, but the white devils raped and pillaged the native American culture, and here's a few more buzz-words about genocide that I learned from my first American history teacher that went off book, and I still harbor a hard-on for." This sort of bullshit has always pissed me off because anyone with even a cursory knowledge of history that isn't American in nature will tell you that were probably about as coddling to the American tribes as any invading civilization in history. Sure, it doesn't look that way because they're living in glorified prison camps called "reservation" and their "culture" has been diminished to card-counting and dice-rigging, but that's only because they're actually still alive. For the longest time civilization was just the biggest guy with the biggest club who went around having rape for dinner. I'm not about giving blanket free-passes to anybody, but compared to other invading civilizations, the early European settlers were downright neighborly compared to what the British or the Vikings did to the Irish, Scottish and Welsh. See also: Romans.

Fact is, the only thing more bullshit than Columbus Day is bitching about Columbus Day. Which makes bitching about the bitching about Columbus Day a productive use of my time, fuckyouverymuch. You have a day off, I'm stuck in Patheticut listening to the Bruins game on radio feed through a dorky microphone headset instead of drunk in my basement watching it in HD on a big screen.

Which reminds me of the Friday night spent drinking alone in my basement whilst texting my ex-girlfriend. As vagtastic as that sounds, it was one of the highlights of my weekend... until the Sox lost again and drinking became drowning. She probably went to bed sometime around 11pm but I kept a one-sided conversation going until about 1:30am when I passed out on my couch.

Sox eliminated. Pats lost. And as of this writing, Bruins are losing 2-0 to the Avalanche in the first. Fuckity fuck-nuggets.

On the plus side, remember that blonde girl Brea I wrote about in passing once or twice? Of course you do. It's your job to keep a photographic record of everything I write. Don't tell me you've been slacking. Anyways, Brea and I are going to spend a weekend before Christmas in Vermont, living it up in a swanky hotel, getting boozed and going skiing. I'm pretty fucking stoked for that, but on a day where blondes* have caused me a ton of head- and heartaches maybe I should go back to being a pessimistic little bastard.

Stay blonde,
{VM}

* We're going to assume Columbus was blonde. First because it completes my triumvirate of fucked-uppitide with Brady and Papelbon and two, because how the hell else do you miss the West Indies by that fucking much?